Running on a broken leg

I can pick up on the most subtle of emotions. Sounds like a super power but the curse is that I take someone’s frustration as rage.

I have lived through each day with the help of many years of people watching. My medication regime however lets me experience a little bit more of a range. Most people might have 100 versions of anger. If you have 100 I’d have to say that I only have 20 (much more than I had with no meds).

The other part of the curse is that when I meet someone, I either love or hate. First impressions are big for me. I always look for the pressure point in people. Everyone is insecure about something. Usually people have a big one and two smaller ones. I need to know this so that if I’m hurt I can press those buttons if I need to. There are people who I can’t read this way though. I tend to avoid these people. I’m super easy to hurt and without the button to press I’m vulnerable. I’m standing naked in the snow.

I don’t like that I do this and even when I consciously scream at myself to not do it I can’t help it. If someone throws a ball at you, you will instinctively go to catch it with your dominate hand. Yes, you can teach yourself to catch the ball instinctively with the other hand but it takes a fuckload of practice.

I can rewire any part if I concentrate enough. One thing. Many decades.

The problem is what do you change when you live in a world that requires you to change everything?

For me to change it all it would be like you speaking in Latin during the day and German by night. Brushing your teeth with your non dominate hand, driving a manual car when you have for years only driven an automatic. It’s having to teach yourself to walk everywhere without sight. Hear sounds that are miles away. Running a race with your foot in a cast, describing a scenery you’ve never seen.

Now, try doing all these things at the same time while going to work, being a parent, wife and trying to find yourself even through you’ve never known yourself.

I get exhausted from this. Every single day is hard for me. I don’t want to be exposed for the monster I am so I mask it with behaviour I’ve seen over the years. I know from all my people watching that I’m not like you and you’d be frightened if I showed you the real monster. You’d hide under your blankets and chant to yourself that the monster isn’t real. But the monster is.

 

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